| “If you are not in the state of acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm, look closely and you will find that you are creating suffering for yourself and others.“ –Eckhardt Tolle, Author of The Power of Now and A New Earth |
I’ve figured out the secret to happiness. Really! It’s very simple, but not easy to do.
All I have to do is catch myself resisting something and then start accepting it. The quicker I catch myself, and the faster I change my thinking, the sooner I start enjoying myself and feeling happy.
So how do I catch resistance? The easiest way is to notice your own emotions. If those emotions are unpleasant or dysfunctional, then you are resisting something. Guaranteed.
Let’s take an example.
I’m the editor of a monthly newsletter and last month, three of my main contributors informed me after the deadline that they wouldn’t have an article for me afterall. So here I was, stuck with the responsibility of putting out a newsletter without any content. The first thing I did, honestly, was feel frustrated and victimized. I produced all kinds of stories in my head about other people …’they are so unreliable’ …’I’m now landed with the responsibility’ …’it’s so unfair’ ….’I can’t rely on anyone’ …’I’m busy with my other responsibilities and don’t have time to cover for them’. Moan, groan etc.
By the way, let’s really be honest. There’s a certain attraction to feeling this way. I can feel justified in my actions. I can see myself as right, and better than the others. So it’s important to realize as you notice your emotions, which ones are really desireable and productive for you. Feeling frustrated and victimized is NOT productive. And as this example goes on, I proved that to myself in very graphic terms.
Luckily, I’m pretty experienced at reflecting on my own feelings, so I did notice before too long that I was resisting something. I was, yes, resisting the fact that in contradiction to my expectations, I had very little content to put in my newsletter.
The trick here is to step back and look at yourself. This is one of the primary skills of achieving happiness and success, and should be taught in school and be part of the core curriculum throughout college.
Once you notice you are resisting, then what? The next step is to fully accept the reality of the situation.
In my example, I was quite proud of myself, because within a matter of hours, I was accepting the situation, at least I thought I was. I decided that it was simply a fact that I didn’t have any content for the newsletter and I wasn’t going to let it bother me. I made the decision to positively and diplomatically state in my newsletter opening that the issue was a little light because of the holidays. And I wrote polite emails back to my correspondents, empathizing with their troubles and reassuring them.
Do you sense any passive resistance there? Just a little, maybe? Was I completely accepting the situation?
One month later, I realized that I had still been resisting. I found the proof when I was trolling around in my newsletter files. I found a spare article that I’d been saving for some unknown time in the future when I would have some empty space to fill. Why hadn’t I remembered to use it?
Do you know why I didn’t remember about this article when I needed it? The reason is that I was so intent on accepting the ‘bad’ news, that I succumbed to it. I gave up and accepted defeat (a light newsletter).
Notice how in accepting something and at the same time not really wanting it (‘defeat’, an ‘unacceptable’ newsletter), I was still resisting.
So now I will add a third step to the process. First catch yourself resisting. Then accept reality. And then, as a final measure, assume that the current reality is somehow significantly better than what you had been expecting. I will call this welcoming reality. I need to actually endorse the facts of reality even though I may not immediately (or ever) see how it is better than what I wanted.
This doesn’t mean you need to be logically convinced that it really is better. You just need to make the assumption (create a thought), so that your mind can move on to more productive thinking.
I’m sure that if I had done that initially, I would have remembered the article. I would have first freed my mind from the thought of accepting failure. Then I would have said to myself that somehow it is much better that these articles were not submitted. I would have had to search for how that could be true. That thought would have prompted me to think more broadly about how to solve the problem.
The mind is so complex and subtle. Our thoughts block us from thinking other thoughts.
You may say that the problems you are facing are much harder than my problems! And I am not denying that this process would be very difficult with the most difficult problems life throws at us. We do need time to grieve sometimes. But even in the worst cases, with a big enough perspective, there is always a way to see that what has actually happened can be better than what we expected.
My practice of this process is my theme for 2008, and I must say, I am already convinced that it will lead me easily to both more happiness and more success. Let’s see!
I know many of you practice in similar ways. We all have our ways of putting it into words. Can you share how you explain it?