| “Strong feelings do not necessarily make a strong character. The strength of a man is to be measured by the power of the feelings he subdues not by the power of those which subdue him.”
–William Carleton |
One of the fastest ways to develop yourself, or support the development of others, is to learn how to handle unwanted negative feelings. That’s because negative feelings are one of the main obstacles to effectiveness at work, or in any aspect of life. They block us from acting in our own best interests and doing what we know is best. Masterful coach managers know how to manage those feelings in themselves and how to help others raise their awareness about them in order to reduce their negative impact.
If you think deeply about almost any difficulty you have at work, such as interpersonal conflicts, procrastination, stress, lack of motivation or ineffective communication, you will notice that there is almost always a negative feeling acting as a root cause. All of us experience feelings such as fear, rejection, hurt, lack of control, insecurity or other feelings which motivate us to act in ways that are not constructive.
Coach managers may experience specific feelings that stop them from effectively building trust, listening, challenging, supporting or using other coaching skills, particularly with ‘difficult’ staff who press their emotional buttons. Mastering those feelings is a way to greatly extend your abilities as a coach manager.
A useful place to start in this subject is to identify at least one of the important negative feelings that you experience and to understand how it influences you. So, I’d like to lead you through a self-assessment now, if I may.
When you’re ready, think of a time when you have acted in some way at work that you know is not in your own best interest. For example, you spoke sharply to someone when it would have been better to be more diplomatic. Or you avoided making a phone call. Or you agreed to do something when in fact you wanted to delegate it to someone else. Remember the time when it happened and notice what is the feeling you had at that moment that influenced you to act in the way you did?
Then ask yourself what would be different if you didn’t have this feeling? Would you act more rationally? Would you have the opportunity to be more effective? If you answer ‘yes’, it’s not surprising because after all those negative feelings are generated in a very primitive part of the brain that is acting out of instinct or very basic programming rather than from rational, well-informed thought.
Luckily, ingenious human brains have devised some very effective and simple ways to master these feelings so that they lose their initial power to disrupt our actions from what we know to be best.
1. Noticing and breathing
The simplest of all methods of mastering negative feelings is to cultivate your ability to notice those feelings as soon as possible so that you can give yourself just a few seconds to breathe and allow yourself to escape the grip of them. This sounds easy but many times it is not. The deepest feelings that are controlling us may distract our attention in subtle ways that we cannot control. Nonetheless, this is a very good first step for understanding and mastering our feelings.
2. Feeling into the core
This is a methodology I have used with surprising effects with many of my clients. For example, I had one skeptical client who tried this method in order to reduce his feelings of fear and inadequacy that caused them to erupt in anger whenever people disagreed with him. He was very surprised to realize a few days after the practice that he had completed an entire controversial discussion constructively like he had never done before.
This process involves simply taking a few quiet minutes alone to feel deeply the physical feeling in your body. It could be an ache in the chest, a headache, or subtle pain in the throat or almost any other physical sensation. These feelings often have power over us because we find them uncomfortable and have developed a habit of ignoring them. Paying close attention to them puts us back in control.
For detailed instructions on how to do this, please see this article. www.spaxman.com.hk/feelingcore.html
3. Emotional Freedom Technique
Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT is another way to process feelings such that they lose their power over us. This technique involves tapping at meridians in a precise order while concentrating on the feeling we wish to reduce. Once mastered, this technique can be used very conveniently on any feelings whenever you have a few minutes alone (or even in public if you don’t mind looking a bit strange!) The instructions are very well laid out in the free manual available at www.emofree.com.
4. The Release Effect
The Release Effect is a guided personal development process that allows you to permanently release any of your unwanted negative feelings. A practitioner helps you to identify specifically the feelings you wish to release and then guides you in a series of relaxing meditations where you allow your unconscious mind to let go of those ‘feeling beliefs’ that are no longer serving you. I tried this process myself this summer and can say that I am very pleased with the results. It is much more powerful and permanent than the other methods named above and it doesn’t require any on-going practice.
If you are willing to invest in the very foundation of your emotional intelligence, this is a method that I heartily recommend. You can read more about it at www.spaxman.com.hk/release.html.
Whatever methods you choose to develop mastery over your feelings, the rewards are large. As well as building your effectiveness in relationships, communications and leadership, you are removing the barriers to all the positive feelings that make life so enjoyable.